Shoe terrorist targets President Bush

Zachary Schwartz ('10)

Recent events in Iraq have given birth to a new breed of terrorist: The shoe terrorist. The first known instance of this footwear-based terrorism took place during a press conference in Iraq. President Bush was addressing the public when an unknown assailant from the audience yelled “this a goodbye kiss!”, throwing both of his shoes at the President. President Bush, ever full of surprises, used his catlike reflexes to duck the first shoe, as the Iraqi press secretary batted the other out of the air with his hand. 
Keep in mind, these shoes were not weapons of any sort, unless one’s definition of “weapon” differs radically from the norm. They were not grenades shaped like shoes, nor were they heat seeking missiles designed by Nike. These were ordinary shoes. In Iraq, the throwing of a shoe is apparently among the gravest insults in the country, possibly the equivalent of our beloved middle finger. This alone earns Iraq a place among the most awesome countries ever. 
The Shoe-thrower in question was then furiously beaten by secret service agents, who understandably were just happy to be able to hurt someone before the end of Bush’s term. 

It is safe to assume that further aberrations of these garment-based attacks will occur in the near future. Expect old, smelly socks to be used in biological warfare sometime before the end of the year. To combat this, keep your washing machine at the ready, and always have an extra cup of bleach handy.  

Our nation’s Laundromats are already implementing a new screening process to ensure that the clothes washed in the facility will not be used to fulfill a terrorist agenda. More on this story once my whites come out of the drier.