Dodgeball champs to sacrifice themselves to sun god

As a result of their victory in the Eastside Winter 2008 Dodgeball Tournament, Team 6-4-3 will be sacrificed to the Mayan sun deity Kinich Ahau in the DiBart gym this coming Sunday.

The six healthy males will make a fitting sacrifice to Our Lord of the Sun, due to their 4-0 win in last Thursday’s tournament. Because four is the patron number of Sunface-Fire-Macaw, East’s high priest, Xcaret Geldbaum believes that the offering will be especially rewarding.         

“Although we haven’t notified the team yet, I am without a doubt that they will be overjoyed to surrender themselves to promote goodwill between the student body and our benevolent Lord,” said Geldbaum during a recent ceremony.           

Normally, the sacrifice would be performed atop the particular pyramid devoted to the deity; however, since the school does not have the proper facility, the team will simply be rolled down the bleachers instead.         

Geldbaum believes that Kinich Ahau, patron god of the sun, disease and droughts, will bestow a blessing upon the East community, keeping it free of the flu and leaky roofs through the winter and into the spring.