Thief Perspective

Sherin Nassar ('13)

I have a secret to tell…

I, Andrew H. Days, am the school thief. I cannot and must not let anyone else take credit – err, blame – for my stealing. It was I who stole Sarah Jean’s neck brace; I who stole John Caller’s chocolate birthday cake, and I have been the one stealing Mr. Deleon’s chalk…every day.

Stealing, although tempting and delightful, is wrong. I have to apologize for what is happening and must explain myself.

I began stealing when I was hungry and my classmate wouldn’t give me a piece of her black-and-white cookie.  So, I quickly stole a piece of it! Well, that one piece of cookie changed my whole entire life. First, it was amazing – extraordinarily amazing – and second, it turned me into a stealing lunatic.

Being, up until then, a goody-goody, I had never been exposed to such radical behavior as stealing food. Soon after my experience with grand-theft-cookie, I began to steal whenever my hunger for material things acted up. In the gym lockers, I was the last one in there when I spotted some funky orange and yellow turkey socks.

I had to steal them… so I did!

You’re probably wondering, ‘What kind of maniac would steal such absurd things?’ Well, teachers viewed me as a mediocre student with no outlet. Stealing became my outlet!

I thought that I could add to my college résumé that I am a master in the arts of stealing.

Perfect touch, right?

I also have to admit that I have once even gone so far as to sneak into the school at night. You wouldn’t believe how many security guards are actually in the school at night! Well, maybe you would: one.  I have never been caught, surprisingly, but I have been able to provide some form of exercise to the one, out-of-shape school security guard. He must have lost 2 pounds every week. If I keep this up, he could be a size zero, and we all know how that thin is in!

Stealing is an art that I have been blessed with and I sincerely apologize to those I have affected, including to the Eastside Editors for sneaking into the room to publish my confession online. I’d also like to thank my wonderful mother for revising this confession… and for grounding me for two weeks.