Extended: Baby alligators in the sewers

Autreen Rahbari (‘10)

Are we all going to die?

When talking about our sewers, one usually pictures dark, dingy and extending stone corridors, with muddy green flooded floors and walls smeared with organic bowl-juices. Raw sewage, pigeon carcasses, rain water, domesticated fish, defecated energies; all elements of the obscure and repulsive world we so readily create from our sacred and coveted thrones everyday.

But there is a new creature lurking in these steaming concoctions.

The cities of New York, Los Angeles and London have reported small, but growing, populations of alligators in their sewers and several other nations suspect similar activates. Yes, Florida’s most ferocious killing machine has migrated to our biggest cities and is taking refuge in our sewer system.

Attacks have already been launched across the globe. In Tottenham, London three alligators were reported to have thrashed their way out of a street drain and devour several children, most of whom were chimney sweepers or adorable, soot-faced street urchins.

Another reported attack, this one in a Beijing hospital bathroom, detailed an 800-pound alligator bursting out of a toilet and gobbling up its occupant. It then charged into the emergency ward and attacked a nurse, cleanly chewing off her left arm and gouging out her eyeballs.

“It was huge!!” says the hospital’s head doctor Zhu Ting, “But to be fair to the alligator, it was sort of her fault. I think that it was gonna go for the spotted kid with the funny hat, but then she pointed at it and shouted ‘Crocodile!’ First of all, it’s very rude to point, regardless of the situation and I think that both the alligator and I are firm believers of that sentiment. Secondly that was clearly an alligator. Both the shovel-like snout and fat neckline are clear indications of that and any of the delirious kids I work with could have pointed out the difference. In any case, the gator got mad and went after her… So I guess she kind of deserved it… yea?”

The United Nations has called for an immediate removal of all alligators from the sewers in an effort to reduce the attacks. These tactics include begging to the alligators, luring them with rare meats, luring them with bathtub duckies and luring them with small, adorable puppies/babies — whichever is cuter.

These stratagems have received much criticism from the animal-rights organization,  
“Humans for Alligator Reign” (HFAR).  

“Sewer gators are beautiful creatures who deserve love and support”, says HFAR chairman Zack Jacobi, “If they want to eat, let them eat! Isn’t the world going through an overpopulation crisis right now?”

Reports from New York have also detailed that the alligators have laid eggs to further populate these rotting, underground tubes. Newsweek magazine has reported that over three-hundred-and-fifty eggs have been laid nationwide, some of which are expected to hatch into mutated alligators with laser beams and thumbs, like the ninja turtles except without human emotion.

BBC news has projected what kind of toll such an invasion would have on the planet, concluding that only thirty-four people will survive the attack. The BBC has also projected that all of these people will resort to cannibalism to survive, leaving no hope for the human race to continue its existence.

So yes, we are all going to die.