At approximately 7:45 am on October 6, East student Donald Ronaldson (’13) was abducted by an excessively large red-tailed hawk. Students claim that in the weeks leading up to the abduction, the giant bird had been seen lurking around the school during the day, perching atop the flagpole, peering into classrooms, and watching the sports teams practice.

Whitney McFreebird (’13), a close friend of Ronaldson who witnessed the entire attack told us between sobs; “I’ve never seen anything like this. One minute my friend and I are eating Nilla wafers, having a lengthy discourse about President Obama’s plans for health care, and the next thing I know I’m on the ground and he’s being carried away in the talons of a giant bird!”

Principle Ron O’Schmeeza has taken matters into his own hands by contacting a nearby wildlife research center and the Rescue Operations for Children Kidnappings Society (ROCKS). The nationally renowned organization has been on the lookout for the abnormally large bird and its prey and continues to ask for volunteers to run around dressed like mice to help attract the culprit.

Cherry Hill officials are declaring the area around Camden a makeshift nesting region, used by the birds as a rest stop on their way back home to Canada. No one is positive whether this is a potential clue as to where our victim is headed, or whether this nest already existed in Camden prior to the abduction.

Eugene Reynolds, 35, a wildlife expert from the Behavioral Institute for Really Dangerous Species (BIRDS), says “the reasoning for this haphazard conduct is due to the rapid change of climate in southern Québec. This is causing a change in the diet patterns of the red-tailed hawks and other predatory birds native to Canada.”

While officials in Québec laughed off inquiries about climate change, they maintained that the shift in migratory patterns of the red-tailed hawks should be harmless.

Ronaldson’s parents have already filed a complaint to the Board of Education about the lack of security monitoring on school grounds, which they claim has endangered the student body. The Board of Education has taken the abnormal abduction seriously, and has resolved to install one camera at the back of the school.

“The only way to prevent any further abduction,” Reynolds says, “is to place the entire population of red-tailed hawks and any other rapacious birds surrounding East in Room C311 for further research with a Temperature control of lower than 60 degrees Fahrenheit, boxes of mice to resume their original diet, and a lot of props that will create the illusion that the species are still in their native habitat.”

The Cherry Hill Board of Education will be taking this issue to Congress. A report on further instructions of how to keep your children safe will be arriving in the next few months.