By now you must heard of a new menace that plagues our halls and terrifies our students. The kid with the biggest backpack, nicknamed the backpack boy, looms over our halls like a shadow, primarily because most of the time he’s blocking out the sun. Those of us with pale skin do not appreciate this further decrease of vitamin D, and particularly do not appreciate being smacked in the face on the way to class.

Questions have been surfacing around school about the backpack, such as how many full grown men could fit inside it, and what was actually there now. Rumors of the bag’s unknown contents have escalated to the point of one freshman claiming she saw her friend “climb in” and “never come out”.

Due to these rising rumors and parents’ complaints of having their children eaten by backpacks (“oh, so they suddenly want us now” claimed a rather resentful daughter) the principal was forced to order an immediate search of the boy’s bag.

The boy was reported complaining of “a violation of privacy” and how he was “supposed to live with the fact that [he] would forever be known as the boy whose backpack ate a person”. (The principal remarked that it would be much harder having to live in a backpack at all, and the boy had no comment.)

Fortunately, the girl was not found in the boy’s bag. Upon investigation of its contents, startling discoveries were made. There were binders bigger than notebooks, notebooks bigger than binders, and a bunch of notebooks and binders that were bigger than themselves. Among the most unusual pf these discoveries were: a snakebite survival kit, a rare rock collection, a George Foreman Grill (“what, you never get hungry in class?” the boy commented) and, of course, the seventh Harry Potter book.

As for the girl, she was never found in the boys backpack. She was found hours later at the staples, having skipped school to spend the day looking for a bigger backpack.