This advice column will ensure that the public remains safe from various evils in our hectic world. In these articles, I confront the ultimate problems facing everyday human existence with unyielding scrutiny. Be warned… you will laugh. Perhaps even cackle. That, my friends, is the goal in writing these. It is my wish that this column empowers you to overcome things that suck.

Nose Pimples

      Have you ever found yourself two inches in front of the mirror, wondering what to do with the blackheads wedged between your nose and the rest of your face? These pimples are usually located in the space to the immediate side of the nose and aren’t directly on your nose or your cheek. These, my friends, are the dreaded corner-of-the-nose (COTN) pimples.

      What is the main predicament with these monsters? Actually, the COTN pimples are so prevalent in such a miniscule area that even the most experienced dermatologist with all the Clearasil and dermatological instruments (whatever they are) could not possibly conquer an entire army of COTN pests.

      You may say, “looks aren’t everything,” “I can live with a few imperfections and blemishes in the hidden valley on the corner of my nose, right?” “Who cares?”

      I do.

   The solution? Ditch noses altogether.

      The nose has really outlived its purpose as a sensory organ and body part. Who needs to breathe, smell, sneeze or, indirectly, taste? When it comes to war or peace, the answer to this question is as clear as a face without COTN blackheads.

      Without the nose, there is not a single opportunity for pores to be infected in an unreachable spot on the face. So nose, you had a good run, but now we must depart from one another.

      Problem solved.

Waiters Who Aren’t Named Dave

      At all restaurants, when servers introduce themselves, do you really pay attention?

Of course not.

You go to eat your food and drink your drink and be on your way. As a result, waiters and waitresses simply confuse the humble, innocent customer with all their different names.

      What’s the answer to this? A universal name for all servers. Yes, male and female servers will all be called by one unisex name – Dave.

      Think about it.  

When you go to a restaurant now, and you hear the waiter recite every specialty and amenity, he always includes his name. But, the closer you listen, the more obvious it is that all these poor waiters are saying is “My name is Dave. Please call me Dave. PLEASE.”

      So, along with the subliminal messages that all servers inevitably give off about their identity insecurities, there are even more practical benefits of the new name besides appeasing all the unhappy busboys and girls. If every waiter responds to the name Dave, there is never any confusion about who you are speaking to. Simply clear your throat, and call “Dave!” as forcefully as you can into the restaurant without being rude and, sure enough, at least one employee will come to gratify your needs.

Remember: Dave only wants the best for the customer so you should want what is best for Dave.

      Problem solved.