Hey, it’s me, Jensen. Formally known as Geoff Jensen (’11), Sergeant First Class Paul Jensen, Dan Jensen, 25, and many more Jensens to come.

Looking back on my life, I’ve got to say that, well, I’m awesome. There’s really not much more I can say to make anyone fully understand how incredibly amazing I am and how much more superior I am to all the other students simply because of all the incredulous, newsworthy things I have done at this school. Thanks to Eastside Humor, everyone can now read, reread, and rereread all the heroic endeavors that I have accomplished while attending Cherry Hill High School East.

I try to be humble, I do. But, sometimes it’s just too hard when you’re as awesome as me. Even a plaque could only just highlight the tip of the iceberg of my awesomeness. I might as well rename myself Awesome Jensen, or Incredible Jensen, or even just THE Jensen. Wow, I love me.

Well, I’m going to go do something “Jensen” now. (For you non-Jensenides, that’s short for “incredibly-insanely-100-percent-amazingly-awesome.”) I’ll start by unearthing an unknown specie of dinosaur and naming it the “Jensenaurus.” Then, I’ll build a world barrier to stop global warming, cure cancer, save a cat from a tree, and make it home just in time for Mama Jensen’s famous peanut butter and jelly lunch special.