Washington, TUESDAY. After sequestration went into effect last week, the national education department stepped up and offered to take the severest budget cuts in their own department. The department’s plan with its severely reduced budget is to remodel the entire American education system. Secretary of Education Robert Donovan (R-MN) said the new system is based on PetSmart’s certified doggy training class.

Donovan said, “I got a puppy while my kid was in high school and the dog completed its formal education in two months. The dog isn’t smarter than my kid—so why was the dog graduating so much faster than my kids?”

The United States Congress pondered this issue for several hours after Donovan brought it to the floor. “I was against it initially, but the more I thought about it, the better it sounded,” said Senator Janet Jameson (D-OR). House Speaker Derrick Dawson (R-NC) said, “I think there’s a major flaw in the logic somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it.”

Despite some uneasiness, the bill has the most widespread partisan support of any passed in the last fifty years.

The premise of the revised education system is simple. Six hour-long sessions over the course of two months earns you a “basic degree.” To move on to higher level training (the equivalent of high school in today’s terms) you must take another two-month course, this time with biweekly two-hour sessions. A third level of education—the highest available with this new system—involves the most education-intensive skills available, including how to perform surgery and complicated math. This third level can be completed in a month, provided the student goes to class three days a week for fifty-seven minutes. Jameson said, “We were going to make the third level hour-long classes, but wouldn’t you know? It’s cheaper to have them shorter.”

Donovan said he was very pleased with the results. “I think this is the greatest idea we’ve had since we declared independence from England,” he said. “In… What was it? 1933?”

This new school system is not expected to cover basic history or international literature. Focuses will be on “text spelling” and “how to succeed without really trying.” Students will range from four to twenty-four years in age, and can complete their schooling within a year, if they have a mind to do so. “But it’s not going to be so rigid,” said Jameson. “Certifications are for a lifetime, so kids can take breaks between courses.”

When asked to comment, the president reportedly said, “The country’s going to the dogs anyway”—but no one can confirm the veracity of this report.