If Americans have been paying attention to the presidential debates, it should seem to them like John McCain is a pretty popular guy. John McCain thinks everyone is his friend. Barack Obama; the moderator; Joe Biden… John McCain doesn’t let things like “opposing political views” or “associating with his opponents causing political suicide” get in the way of his friendships. John McCain is clearly speaking from the heart, and certainly not using the phrase “my friend” to assume the guise of a nice guy.

Despite the copious amount of sarcasm in the previous paragraph, it was recently revealed that John McCain really does consider the people at the debate to be his friends.

When asked if he shared McCain’s feelings, a member of Obama’s campaign team said, “Not really. Once, after the first presidential debate, I walked over to shake his hand, and he kicked me. Hard. I cried for days.”

According to scientists studying McCain’s behavior at debates, his behavior indicated that he was “very confused” and “possibly unaware of where he was.” McCain spent most of the recent “town hall” debate wandering around the stage with a vacant look on his face, similar to that of a zombie. Rumors of McCain craving brains were confirmed false.

“We’re currently researching what could possibly be causing McCain’s erratic behavior,” said one scientist, who wished to remain anonymous. “It seems possible that he’s suffering from a severe case of old.”

While investigations are still underway, it seems that McCain does not have nearly as many friends as he suggests. Aside from Sarah Palin, McCain does not really have any companions to hang out with. 

One United States senator said, “McCain’s called all of us senators a bunch of times, but we always have to find a way to cancel on him. He’s just so…old; it would be like going to the movies with friends and bringing your dad. Once, when we all went to see “Fahrenheit 9-11,” we brought John along and he fell asleep half-way through. Then, when we couldn’t wake him up, we made the least experienced senator, Obama, carry him around all night. It was a disaster.”

More on McCain’s non-gregariousness as the road to the election winds down.