American Idol: American Idol is now down to 9 contestants, with the judges still retaining their “veto” power. However, the real story lies with Paula Abdul and her quest to be on Dancing with the Stars. Paula has been unable to compete on the dancing show due to conflicting schedules arising from Idol. Rumors have been circulating that Paula has been trying to forcibly merge the two shows together. Surveillance cameras show Abdul placing teddy-bear nanny cameras on the sets of both shows to monitor them for weak spots, which she will then exploit to join the shows together. Abdul’s prior attempts, and failures, to bring the shows together eventually led to her to go mad. When such incidents occurred, Abdul was seen rampaging through several Los Angeles grocery stores, mainly down the animal cracker aisle. Some have speculated that Paula has a sixth sense that allows her to communicate with animals, even those made out of carbohydrates. Idol executives are, supposedly, planning on having Paula sing during next week’s Idol show to the viewers of America, to help her bring DWTS and AI together. 

Project Runway: Kenley Collins, who appeared as a finalist on the fifth season of project runway, was recently arrested. While the media says that she was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend, the true story is much more provocative. Collins was spotted heckling designers during fashion week, where the taping of the Project Runway finales typically occurs. Still upset over not winning her season, she reportedly drove a golf cart through the tents holding the runway shows, and began launching tomatoes at the garments through a mechanized catapult. When authorities tried to restrain Collins, she threw a pepper-spray grenade into the audience and escaped via a skateboard. She was later apprehended in a local McDonalds where she was found sitting in a pile of french-fries and mustard. Her lawyers and rep have issued no comment. Collins, however, screamed at the press that she “deserved to win Project Runway and would not stop her fight to be named victorious.”  

Matt Lauer: Matt Lauer, of NBC’s “Today Show,” dislocated his shoulder recently, supposedly because of a bike accident involving a deer. Investigators, though, have uncovered new evidence in the event. Lauer apparently had been riding his bicycle in the early morning hours when, according to a Native-American Shaman performing rituals in the woods at the time, another bicycle rider appeared behind him. This reader, who later identified herself to the source as Meredith Vieira (co-anchor of “The Today Show” with Lauer) followed Lauer on his bike. She then proceeded to throw apple cores at Lauer, which attracted deer to the chase. Vieira has reportedly developed a strange obsession with Lauer and bicycles. Vieira told her viewers on the air recently that she planned on retiring one day to “open up a bike shop, where I can sell the world the most heartwarming mode of transportation.” Authorities found a camp site near where Lauer fell off his bike, and several shrines of Lauer located throughout the area. Vieira has not openly admitted to making the shrines or causing Lauer to fall off his bike, and subsequently injure himself. However, she has said that she is “rather fond of all [her] co-workers.”