Students in Ms. Jen Kinnsey’s AP English class learned that the consequences for doing poorly on assignments are more severe than they had initially thought when Kinnsey let loose a pack of man-eating dogs on those students who had scored less than an eighty percent on a Don Quixote reading-check test.

According to witnesses, Kinnsey lamented the lack of proficiency demonstrated by the students. Kinnsey then went on to declare that there was no room for those who failed to perform in her classroom, before pushing a button on her desk, unleashing the hounds.

“It was horrible,” said Tom Jensen (‘11), who scored an 81 percent. “They were screaming for mercy as the hounds tore out their innards. Ms Kinnsey looked right at me and a couple other guys who barely got B’s. You could tell that we would be next if we didn’t drastically improve.”

When questioned, Dr. Ron O’Shmeeza said, “We give a good deal of freedom to our teachers to get the results they wish to get. That being said, I cannot endorse the use of ravenous flesh-eating hounds to ensure good results.”

“Oh gosh, she’s not behind me, is she?” added O’Shmeeza.

“I believe that students require a teacher who ensures that they will get a good grade—or else,” said Kinnsey when interviewed by an Eastside reporter. “By the way, did you know you got a 75 percent on the literature terms quiz?”

Photo courtesy of Kevin Liao (’12)/Eastside staff