(Nico Spatucci (’26))

Technology can be hard to navigate for everyone, especially for those who grew up in a pre-digital age. Struggling to adapt to the numerous platforms, apps, and websites out there, a number of older teachers at Cherry Hill High School East have recently confused their Google Classrooms with their Facebook feeds, leading to mass confusion and panic among the student body.

The first incident began last Monday, Feb. 30, when Mr. Elder Lee surprised his students with a classroom announcement well after midnight. Differing from his usual essays and reading assignments, Lee decided to inform the class that he hated crunchy peanut butter, adding that even the sight of it makes him want to throw up. Known for being especially philosophical, some students assumed there was a hidden meaning behind Lee’s rant. Knotta Brightkidd (‘26) praised him the next day in class for his poetic message against injustice in society, much to Lee’s confusion.

“I just thought it was so powerful, that whole metaphor,” said Brightkidd. “The crunchiness of the peanut butter representing the victims of our country’s exploitative economic system, crushing the hopes and dreams of anyone who doesn’t prioritize money… It’s just another example of Mr. Lee’s impeccable prose.”

The next day, Mrs. Ann Tique posted a video of her niece’s piano recital instead of the geometry notes for her class, and subseqently posted the geometry notes on her social media pages. Surprisingly, many of Tique’s Facebook friends enthusiastically completed the lesson on the Pythagorean Theorem. The students, less enthusiastic after being deprived of their education, began posting hate comments on the video.

“We’re all just trying to learn here, and Mrs. Smith cares more about her likes and followers than her students,” said Ima Nerd (‘28). “And frankly, that kid sucked. She had no talent. My dog can play the piano better than her.”

By Wednesday, nearly every student had been affected by the growing phenomenon. One teacher, Mr. Jerry Atric, stressed his students out on Tuesday by giving them an assignment to purchase his $40 vase. Six students managed to receive a perfect score by showing up at Atric’s house with the money. Another teacher, Ms. C. Nile, shared an obviously AI-generated photo of a homeless cat begging for money, explaining that she was so saddened by what she saw, she could not possibly teach class for the day.

An emergency meeting was called by East Principal Elknif Leinad after a 30% decline in academic performance was observed. The meeting was delayed by several days since it was announced via a status post, which most teachers did not see. 

Some solutions have been proposed to remedy this situation. School board official Zark Muckerberg argued in favor of replacing Google Classroom with Facebook entirely, utilizing Facebook groups as makeshift classrooms. Muckerberg claims his decision is not influenced by his valuable shares in the company. Another solution was offered by Hope Less, where the Google Classroom logo would be replaced with the Facebook icon, ensuring that teachers landed on the right platform at least 50% of the time.

“Obviously it’s too late to educate these teachers on online literacy, so it’s better to just leave it to chance,” Less said.

It is recommended that in the meantime, all students follow their teachers on Facebook to check if work was accidentally posted there. As for the time being, students must adapt to these challenges, and be flexible when it comes to their incompetent teachers.

A model of what Cherry Hill East’s hallways will look like in the near future. (Julia Skoufalos (’26))

In April, Cherry Hill High School East made plans to begin construction to install traffic lights to all major wings. This includes all three levels of C-wing and B-wing, along with G-wing. They will hang from the ceiling overhead any areas that were once labeled as “problem spots.” Stop signs will also be placed throughout the school, wherever deemed necessary, to ensure students are safely getting to their destinations. With saved funds and minimal fundraising, this new construction can be kept under a budget of $10,000. New principal, Mr. Elknif Leinad has made many changes to East within his first year of being here, but this has expectancy to be his best thus far.

“The best part of these new traffic lights is that people are finally going to look where they are walking. People will stop trying to ram through me or slam the staircase doors in my face,” said Mr. Craig Bernardi, mathematics teacher at East.

Leinad is content with the positive feedback and sense of organization these lights have introduced to the school.

“At the end of the day, there are people who still won’t listen and will somehow wind up on the wrong side of the hallway. But for the most part this is going to be efficient in achieving our goals in creating safe travels for our students,” said Leinad.

As for student feedback, there is a dislike for the soon to be “distracted walking” rules, forcing students to stay off their phones in the hallways to lower chances of collisions. With the results of a student survey, it was found that, on average, 7/10 students believe that walking and texting does not decrease their walking skills. However, with prediction of collisions going down as much as 20% with this phone policy, and another 60% with the traffic lights, wreckless walking will be much less prominent at East.

The biggest problem area is the first floor C-wing intersection. For a place that is so full of shoving, rushing, and screaming; the four way stop will become unrecognizable from what it has become so infamous for. 

“I have to go the long way to my class to avoid C-wing intersection and it is super annoying and inconvenient. If these lights can clean up the most crowded intersection in the school, I think the rest of the results will be pretty promising,” said Schoolwide President, Hanar Madi (‘25).

In the past, monitors placed within these hallways could not do much about the mobs of students carelessly pushing their way to their locations. If anything, they added to the mess, being squished into the walls and blocking any alternative routes to avoid the crowd. Nonetheless, it is safe to say that these lights will do what humans of East could not; instill integrity in our halls.

Rather than spending minutes in a standstill in C-wing intersection or going up the staircase by lecture hall, the new lights will also decrease tardiness significantly. In the past, 9/10 students who walked through C-wing intersection ended up being late to their classes. These lights should bring them down to every 2/10. This means no more wandering in between periods and students will no longer have an excuse to not be sat by the final bell. In turn, this should increase productivity within classes, giving students an extra few minutes to unwind before the beginning of class. This way, when their teacher is ready to begin the lesson, they are mentally focused and engaged after a mental break. Because who needs to use their phone in the hallway when you can just do it in the comfort of your seat?

Altogether, this new installment was a well-thought out plan by Leinad, hopefully bringing a newfound peace to our halls. Next steps have been discussed, such as expanding to more traffic signs; speed limits, do not enter zones, etc., but the hallway climate is already expected to make immense progress with these lights.

Gym exemption forms filled out by USSR members. (Landon Schuster (’26))

After four years of deceiving Cherry Hill High School East’s administration, Jett Kettlebell (‘25) and Penny Plank (‘25) were finally caught. 

Their attempts to fabricate exercise hours for gym exemptions finally unraveled. Kettlebell, who forged the signature of his non-existent coach, was exposed when his attempt to impersonate Coach Will Power — whose name was taken from a cereal box — failed. Plank, on the other hand, was overheard boasting to her friends about how her daily four-mile runs were, in reality, simply walks to Starbucks to buy a hot matcha. With East administration noticing these lies, Kettlebell and Plank will return to their Block H gym class to maximize their physical fitness by walking the track. 

While Kettlebell and Plank have been the first to get caught, they’re far from the only East students involved in a secret society of gym exemption frauds. In fact, the Union of Students Shunning Recreation (USSR) contains more than 120 East students who, for years, have bent the rules and created fake workout documentation. Despite the administration’s success in noticing Kettlebell and Plank’s fabrications, the USSR’s existence remains a secret. 

Chase Snoozer (‘25) joined the USSR as a sophomore, filling out his gym exemption form with exercise hours as a competitive power napper. Upon arriving home from school each day, Snoozer dedicates two hours to power napping, easily exceeding the mandatory number of exercise hours required each month to qualify for the exemption.  

“It’s all about body positioning,” said Snoozer, carefully shifting his posture in the chair. “I’ve spent so many hours trying to perfect my slouch and angling my head to the spot where my neck won’t start straining. I mean, if dancers can be exempt from gym for perfecting body movements, so should I. … It’s taken me years of perfecting.” 

Similar to Snoozer, Ellie Vator (‘26) — who joined the USSR as a freshman — writes that she’s training for a marathon on her gym exemption form. East administration, likely believing that Vator is preparing to run a marathon, failed to recognize that Vator’s marathon doesn’t relate to racing. Instead, the marathon to which she refers is competitive binge-watching, which measures how long participants can watch the same show in one sitting. 

“I’ve recently really been focusing on the endurance needed. … It’s a skill to stay glued to the couch for hours at a time, only getting up for snacks or bathroom breaks — and I eat a ton of snacks,” said Vator. “I eat popcorn and chips and fries and cookies and ice cream. It makes the time go by a lot quicker.”  

In addition to fabricating the exercise itself, other members of the USSR obtain fake signatures and document random hours of exercise. Lara Liftwell (‘28) and Jim Nastics (‘28), two of the USSR’s newest members, take a risky approach when documenting their exercise hours. 

“I know for a fact that [administration] isn’t looking at [the forms]. The number of hours that I wrote down literally didn’t make sense because the number was more than how many hours are in a week. Also, [Nastics] and I forge the same person’s name as our signature but for different sports, which you’d think would be a little suspicious, but [administration] hasn’t even realized,” said Liftwell. 

Meanwhile, Abby Dominals (‘27) has been using her cousin’s name to sign all of her forms. Though Dominals doesn’t actually play a sport, she believes that she remains ethical by asking her cousin for permission to forge her signature instead of doing so blindly. 

“[My cousin is] a personal trainer, so it totally counts,” said Dominals. “Regardless, [administration] is never going to find out. All I care about is just having a study hall. Who needs gym class, anyway?”

Unsurprisingly, Dominals isn’t alone. Countless other members of the USSR seek fabricated signatures from family members and friends, and East’s administration minimally verifies whether these signatures are accurate. 

Despite the growing evidence of widespread abuse — and the fact that East administration caught Kettlebell and Plank — the practice continues. Why, though, does this system enable numerous students to get away with lying without breaking a sweat? With the number of students in gym classes continuing to dwindle, perhaps it’s simply time to give in to these students’ grievances. Perhaps the issue lies in the lengths to which students go in hopes of avoiding enrollment in physical education, not in establishing proper physical health. 

Perhaps gym class, in general, should be eliminated. After all, obesity has only risen since President Dwight Eisenhower’s 1956 executive order initiating the Youth Fitness Project. What’s to make us believe that gym class is effective in helping health and not harming it? Members of the USSR certainly have their doubts.

In the United States, the practice of banning books from libraries has gained popularity. Upon reading select books aimed at their young children and teenagers, parents have raised concerns about various books that have been allowed to sit on the shelves of their children’s libraries. Eastside believes that many of the attempts throughout the country do not to completely stop the spread of harmful information to children. The misstep in which most of these attempts falter is that parents and administrators take a narrow view of which books to ban, causing them to miss the seemingly innocent, but still insidious, books that could contribute to the corruption of the youth. Eastside believes that the Cherry Hill Public School District should find these books and swiftly take action to protect our community.

A prime example of these books that serve as wolves in sheep’s clothing is Laura Numeroff’s “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” To provide a summary for those unfamiliar with the book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” follows the story of an avaricious rodent who constantly demands that a young boy procure all the food, cleaning supplies and bedding that the rodent wishes. As people concerned for the future of America, we should make no mistake about the dangers of this book: the entitlement of this rodent will seep into the minds of the children who read “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” and warp The United States into a Communist dystopian society. A cursory glance at the Google reviews for “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” will reveal that many socialists view this book as a first step toward communist indoctrination. In fact, Google reviewer Leon Marx writes, “This book clearly communicates the plight of the proletariat and outlines our path to revolution. We will exhaust the American taxpayer, represented by the boy, and use our newfound power to take control of the country, represented by the household.” Clearly, something must be done about this book. We must take action to prevent the indoctrination of the young people from being hijacked by the communist regime. Other examples of these types of sinister books include: “Green Eggs and Ham,” “The Hungry Caterpillar,” “Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!,” “The Giving Tree” and many more. However, parents and administrators pretending to care about this issue let these books go past them- and disastrously allow these dangerous ideas to reach America’s future. 

Eastside believes that when these seemingly innocuous people push un-American ideals, the future of America is endangered. “75% of these ‘educational books’ are cleverly devised schemes to turn Cherry Hill’s children into little Marxists, destroying America from within,” said an anonymous man with a 1-800 number who won’t stop calling Eastside. Eastside believes that this is completely correct, and we must take this threat seriously in order to protect Cherry Hill’s elementary school-aged children. In today’s society, parents have no way to know what their children are learning in school and how that affects the ideas that their children pick up, except for talking to their kids. To remedy this, Eastside believes that the Cherry Hill Public School District should take a more active role in censoring children’s books that negatively push children to develop communist sympathies.

On Friday, January 24, 2025, Freshman Chip Munkh (‘28) shocked the Cherry Hill East community with something that had never been seen before at a pep rally: an enthusiastic display of school spirit. East administration is currently investigating the underlying causes of the student’s behavior and the question of his future at East remains uncertain. 

Munkh had an early dismissal at 12:30 P.M. This was his first early dismissal, and he was unsure how to locate the area to leave early. He asked a teacher in the hall for directions and they instructed him to go to the place with a lot of people leaving. He saw an abundance of students coming out of the Dibart gym.

“There were so many kids, so I just assumed there was an entrance out of the back of the gym,” said Munkh.

Munkh entered the gym desperate to find a teacher for assistance. He passed by tons of students lacking spirit and waiting to leave East. A guest speaker was talking about why school shouldn’t exist – another usual discussion brought up during assemblies. 

All of a sudden, Munkh found himself marching up to the top of the bleachers. He didn’t know what had come over him but felt as though the spirit of East had taken refuge in his body. 

With a newfound courage in his heart, Munkh started cheering for the school while simultaneously dancing to a blend of the choreography in “High School Musical.” 

He mastered the steps perfectly, displaying his energy and school spirit through each move. The school anthem that he somehow generated in the spur of the moment showed his pride for East. Even Troy Bolton himself couldn’t match the pep in his step. 

“I didn’t even know I knew that choreography,” said Munkh. “I’ve never seen “High School Musical” before, but I guess something awoke inside of me at that moment.”

Students who were stuck inside the gym waiting for the bell to ring sat in a state of shock. Students ignored the vicious display of school spirit and continued scrolling on their phones. Pep rallies keep getting weirder and weirder. 

As Munkh sang his final verse, he remembered where he was. He had forgotten about his early dismissal. School spirit took over his mind and body, yet he had no interest in going back.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my almost four years at this school,” said senior Al O’Vara (‘25). “My senioritis only like tripled after witnessing that disaster.”

It took East administration over 10 minutes to calm Munkh down and stop him from generating too much school spirit. He only appeased to administration’s wishes when he was falsely told that the cast of “High School Musical” was waiting for him in the nurse’s office. 

“He kept asking for my autograph. Kid’s gone delusional. I can’t wait to quit this job,” said Nurse McCure. 

Administration released an announcement shortly after the terrible incident. Parents worried about their students coming home with too much spirit relaxed immediately upon reading the letter’s wise words. 

“This episode will not be taken lightly. We are currently in the process of reaching out to Munkh’s family to discuss our plan moving forward. More likely than not, this student will be transferred to another school more suited to his needs. There is no place for Wildcats amidst Cougars,” the letter read. 

Meanwhile, Munkh is suspended from East due to the immense disruption he caused. The letter emphasized that such enthusiasm is not meant to be displayed within the walls of the school building and will not be tolerated. 

East students can rest assured that a similar event will not occur in the near future. Hopefully, the school body can move on and resume normal activities as soon as possible.

Student ID card, redacted for privacy. (Daniel Ovadia (’25))

For decades, Cherry Hill High School East students have safeguarded their student identity document (ID) cards from friends and family alike, fearing ridicule for their embarrassing photos. However, after a slew of East students had their IDs leaked by an anonymous source, East’s halls — along with schools across the nation — have fallen into chaos as students face ruin and disgrace for their leaked photos. 

“The day after my ID was leaked, my friend group abandoned me so I’ve been eating lunch by myself in the F-wing bathroom every day,” said Idah Ranam (‘25), one of the many students whose IDs were leaked. “I knew my photo was bad, but I never thought my closest friends would cut contact with me because of it.”

Several students shared similar experiences to Ranam’s, claiming that the situation had left them friendless and alienated by almost all East students. However, some who did not have their ID cards leaked believed their actions were justified. 

“He was mid-sneeze in his ID photo. I don’t know what he expected us to do besides drop him from our friend group,” said Nahom Anhcar (‘25) in response to Ranam’s comments. “There’s no way we’re going to be seen around with someone who looked like that in a photo.”

Some students even reported that the leaked ID cards had resulted in further issues at home. In the most extreme cases, students’ families entirely disowned them, believing that it wasn’t worth sacrificing the honor of their family to house their disgraced child. 

“The day my ID was leaked, my parents were waiting for me at the door when I got home from school,” Mik Allets (‘27) said. “I thought they were there to comfort me, but they just told me to pack my bags and get out. I’ve been living out of F087 ever since.”

On social media, the leaked student ID photos have spread like wildfire, resulting in a 211% surge in cyberbullying, even from people outside of the school district. Consequently, the school has been forced to take action in collaboration with several social media platforms, futilely working with moderators to remove as many of the leaked student ID photos as possible. 

“We are currently working with some major platforms like Instagram and Snapchat to try to remove as many of these photos as possible,” East Principal Elknif Leinad said in a statement to the Board of Education. “The unfortunate reality is that once something is introduced to social media, it becomes very difficult to fully purge it from the internet… so to be honest, it’s somewhat understandable that some of these kids were ruined.”

Furthermore, as the leaked IDs spread across social media platforms, hundreds of other schools across the nation have begun to experience similar issues, with anonymous sources leaking hundreds of student ID cards from each school. The rise in leaked IDs has led even more parents to disown their children, leaving millions of students homeless and unsupported. To combat the rising national crisis, Congress swiftly drafted the Student ID Protection Act, which will require all students to implant microchip IDs in their brains to increase privacy and prevent further leaks. 

Despite all the negativity surrounding the circumstances of the leaked student IDs, some students have remained optimistic about change in how such IDs are regarded. Students across the nation have participated in massive protests, arguing that the solution should be to eliminate the stigma around poor student ID photos rather than establish dystopian laws like the Student ID Protection Act. 

“I don’t think it’s right for us to judge each other on something as trivial as student ID photos,” said Mr. Idrailgag Gerg, East’s journalism teacher. “We, as a community, need to move past this stigma and accept that some people can’t always look perfect in student ID photos. Our solution shouldn’t just be to force everyone to get microchip IDs because that only encourages and deepens the existing stigmas.”

As the source of these leaked IDs remains unknown, many students wait anxiously for the administration to resolve the situation. However, it’s undeniable that the impact of these leaked IDs will remain forever as a constant reminder to students that student ID cards must be kept private at all costs.