Today, East Principal Ron O’Schmeeza unveiled the school’s newest security feature; a twenty-foot deep moat encircling the school, complete with animal infested waters, a drawbridge and a black knight on horseback. The idea to build a moat came after members of the winter track team ran around the school so often that they began to dig a hole in the ground. After their track season was over, the trench was so deep that the administration decided to finish building the moat in an effort to bolster security.
When asked to comment on the process of making the moat, a winter track member declined and then ran 25 miles across the state.
“The students really helped make this possible,” said head of security Lance E. Lott. “A special thanks to the winter track team for digging the trench, the Engineering Club for building the drawbridge and the Future Crocodiles of America Club for inhabiting the moat.”
The new moat will help improve school security as well as discipline. With the drawbridge being brought up at 10 a.m. each day, late students will be forced to fight their way through murky waters filled with swarms of hungry crocodiles to get into the school. It is also rumored that administration will discipline some students by Sparta-kicking them from the roof of A-Wing into the moat.
When asked about the ethics of the new punishment system, Disciplinarian, Leo Nidas said, “Some kids just have to be reminded where they are and how they should act. This isn’t their house, THIS IS SPARTA – I mean Cherry Hill East.”