Cherry Hill native David Brenners was horrified this mother’s day to find a “really big bug” living in his house. Brenners, who prides himself on an obsessive-compulsive cleanliness in his household, discovered a rather large bug of an indeterminable species living in his fireplace.
“Well, first, I tried swatting at it with a newspaper and it flew across the room”, Brenners told a crowd that quickly gathered to watch the ensuing mayhem. “But that just semmed to make it angrier. I already thought the thing was pretty scary, but then I remembered that my mom was coming to visit, so I had to get rid of it as soon as possible.”
Brenners opted not to call an exterminator, instead managing to trap the bug in his fireplace. Once it was safe inside, he wasn’t really sure what to do with it. “My mom showed up, and before we could play Scrabble she noticed the bug. She threw my TV at it, but she missed and took out the western wall of my house. Then she kept begging me to kill it, and I was all like ‘whatever, mom’.”
“I wanted to open up the fireplace and spray it with RAID, but she wouldn’t let me because I’m an asthmatic and could choke on the fumes. I started banging on the glass, but she got scared it was going to get out and eat us. So the way I see it, killing this thing isn’t really an option at this point.”
When asked how he planned to remedy this problem, Brenners expressed that his primary concern was repairing the extensive damage done to his house, which as it stands is currently composed of some exposed pipework, a fireplace, a doorframe and a rather conspicuously smoking crater.
“This thing seems pretty comfortable in there” Brenners told a baffled crowd at a press conference. “It seems to be building some kind of nest, so I assume it’s going to lay eggs at some point. The way I see it, I’ll have to ask it politely. If that doesn’t work, I suppose I could start charging it rent.”