Xenomorph Infestation at East

Jake Trommer ('11)/Humor Editor

Haylee Kline (’13) unwittingly unleashed an extraterrestrial life form of unknown origin that had taken up residence in the bowels of D-wing when it sprang out of the ceiling and attached itself to her face.

“Mmf! Grfff! Mmmmh,” said Kline.

The alien, which resembled a large spider with a tail, fell off her face while she was recuperating in the nurse’s office.

“She seemed fine when she woke up, but she was back a few hours later complaining of chest pains during a math test. Since she had no visible injury, we had to send her back,” said school nurse, Diana Horowitz.

Midway through the math test, Kline’s chest pains reached a peak when a large snake-like creature erupted from her chest, scuttling off through the door.

Mr. John Daniels was Kline’s pre-calc teacher. “She was always somewhat rude, texting during class, saying that the material had no real-world application, but this absolutely took the cake. She was crying throughout the entire test, moaning stuff like ‘please God kill me now’ when this thing just comes out of her chest and distracts everyone. It was the rudest thing I’ve ever seen in my 12 years of teaching.”

Dr. Ron O’Schmeeza promised a swift response to eliminate the alien creature. “I’ve consulted precedent on this,” he said in a statement issued the day of Kline’s incident, “and it seems our only option is to send in a team of heavily armed overconfident space marines in the hopes that one or two will survive, killing the alien in the process.”

Dr. O’Schmeeza did not say whether or not there would be future outbreaks, but if there are, he said, “we’ll probably just pretend like they didn’t happen, like if one were to hypothetically be at a prison or something like that.”

Kline’s funeral is scheduled for Monday.