Walking to class has become obsolete, and in its place a multitude of futuristic ways to travel begin to usher Cherry Hill East into the future.

The Parent Teacher Student Association announced recently that the school won a nationwide contest to be “Made” into a “school of the future” through a new pilot program.

The school opted to go ahead with the experimental program despite warnings from the FDA concerning hazardous adrenaline levels in test runs.

Cherry Hill East Principal Dr. Ron O’Breeza said, “Mundane staircases and humdrum hallways have held us back for far too long, and we can do better than escalators.” 

The transportation pilot involves ten alternative ways for students to get around the school.

Ellen Johnson (’09) said the slip-and-slide hallways “electrified and wired” her. She then demonstrated her “skyrocketed” energy level by sprinting down the hall and leaping onto a slip-and-slide.

In addition to hallways, various staircases around the school have been equipped with systems ranging from convection currents to wind tunnels and trampolines.

Eric Carp (’11) said, “I shattered several bones from the trampolines, but I got to class so fast I barely noticed a thing.”

On the other hand, Hannah Wilson (’10) said, “The wind tunnels make me feel less self-conscious about my weight.”

A slight drawback of the school-wide installations, however, has been the influx of student hospitalizations and injuries. In one such incident, several students were sent through multiple floors of the school after a bungee cord malfunctioned.

A similar glitch occurred when one of the slip-and- slides burst, flooding the first floor of the school.

Samuel Smith, English teacher, described the event as “a baby tsunami,” but looks at the incident positively, saying “on this day students and teachers got to class in record time.”

One student present during the flood, Bob Jones (’11) said, “I feel betrayed by the slip-and-slides. I’m calling for a boycott.”

Regardless of any minor technical difficulties, the response to the installations from both students and teachers has been overwhelmingly optimistic.

The dramatic rise in school attendance has sparked several rumors that plans exist to start implementing tours throughout the school in an effort to promote and market “the school of the future.”