Vampires Suck

Mina Zakhary ('11)/Eastside staff

In recent years, vampires have gained a glamorous image as the brightest members of the occult, mainly due to Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. However, Cherry Hill East’s own vampire, Winston Fang (‘12), offers a different view on everyone’s favorite undead species.

“When I got my powers,” said Winston, “I was promised discounts on quality blood, a great party scene and the best babes this side of Dante’s Inferno. I couldn’t wait!”

But Wince – as his friends call him – soon discovered the fine print of his deal with the devil; not every vampire gets the thrilling life…only the pretty ones. Some, like Wince, are not so lucky.

“Before, I had acne, greasy hair and crooked teeth,” said Fang. “Now I just have acne and greasy hair that glisten in the sunlight. And a pair of crooked fangs. And a hankering for blood. Great…”

Meeting girls is essentially a foreign concept for these misfortunate denizens of the deep. Already crippled by their immense social awkwardness, they now have the added difficulty of explaining their condition.

“His lame, toothy smile is twice as lame now that there are two gnarly fangs protruding from his big mouth,” said Jim Smaltoeth (‘12), Fang’s best friend.

But how do vampires like Winston interact with fellow bloodsuckers?

“If the Vampyro blunderus – Winston’s kind – is around a Vampyro superiorus such as Edward Cullen, he may attempt to fit in via aloofness toward potential mates, or foolhardy acts of bravery,” warns vampire expert Bamm Stroker, of the History Channel.

Meanwhile, at East, Winston is searching for love in unlikely places.

“There’s this girl,” said Fang, “A werewolf. She makes my heart pound…if it could, that is. Gianna, if you’re reading this, let’s go hunting together Saturday night!”

A full moon is set to appear this Saturday.