Twilight Update

Andrew Huff ('10)/Eastside Staff

When Twilight the movie hit theaters in November, the public experienced a mild outpouring of rabid fans teeming with romantic fantasies about vampires and werewolves. This fandom has escalated to such a level that chief White House analysts are bracing for a civil war. A clear divide exists between fans of the book series, currently being adapted into movies.

“Vampires are my life,” Mary Cullen said. “I have a bit of an infatuation with Edward Cullen: we have the same last name, and I am not ashamed of my tin-foil shrine to him that shines in the full moon.”

Cullen represents one half of the increasingly militant groups. The other half, as Sharon Johnson says, “regards werewolves are rather tantalizing creatures. Our favorite werewolf is Jacob, of course. He can gnaw at us any day.”

The fiery debate boils down to whether or not vampire Edward, played by Robert Pattinson in the movies, or werewolf Jacob, played by Taylor Lautner, is the sexiest supernatural creature. Pattinson’s real-life ability to captivate the souls of Americans has tipped the scales to favor vampires.

However, recent photos of shirtless werewolves from the Twilight sequel, New Moon, have caused the werewolf supporters to rally again.

Just recently, after Pattinson watched the Academy Awards with President Barack Obama, werewolf fans stormed the White House lawns, howling at papier-mâché moons held up on sticks. As a counterstrike, vampire fans initiated a protest in New York City where fans hired male models to dress up as Robert Pattinson and paraded through the streets.

Estimates show that during the protest, the National Guard had to be called in to hold back hoards of women from the models.

One woman, Abigail Chester, said, “I saw him walk in front of the sunlight, Robert Pattinson. I fought through the soldiers, the tranquilizing darts, all to see him. Then it all went black.”

Military strategists in Washington D.C. have been meeting to discuss the impact of the Twilight debate. Several have considered calling in author of the series Stephanie Myer to write a new novel to pacify fans.

Myer seems to be the only person immune to the “Twilight fever” as several doctors have called it.

      “We have seen rapid rises in the number of cases of mental instability due to Twilight,” Doctor Alan Weaver said at a press conference recently. “Twilight fever seems to have no cure, and those afflicted develop massive crushes on either vampires or werewolves, with intense passion that has unpredictable results.”

      Government officials are waiting to see the impact of New Moon on fans. Until then, all Americans can do is brace themselves for what could be the greatest internal conflict this nation has seen in nearly two hundred years