Miracle in Mayes’ Backyard

Prashasti Awadhiya (’12)

East student Brett  Mayes (’11) was anointed a true Cherry Hill citizen when he discovered a batch of cherries growing under his mother’s shrubs last week. Mayes was chasing his squirrel when this phenomenon happened.

“I was playing peek-a-boo  with Billy, my squirrel, because it was one in the morning, and I mean what else was there to do? So, we went in the backyard; the house was too cluttered for me.  Out of nowhere, Billy disappeared under my momma’s shrubs, so I went after him with a flashlight because frankly, it was dark as fudge outside. But I saw these red things under the shrubs. Naturally, I was frightened out of my knickers! So, I called my momma out, and she told me they were cherries,” said Mayes.

Then Mayes called Mayor Bertram Splatt, who was more than surprised by the astonishing event.

“I have never seen anything like this in my 72 years as Mayor,” Splatt said, “actually seeing real cherries in Cherry Hill soil was a really gigantic surprise. For all I knew, the only cherries I’ve ever seen were only found on top of the ice cream sundaes. Then, after advising my trusty council of board members who took extraneous amounts of coffee every morning, I decided to call the EPA [Environmental Protection Agency].”

The EPA has been monitoring the occurrence since Splatt called them down. They feared that the cherries were poisonous, because no such records exist of cherries growing in Cherry Hill. After much consideration and research, the EPA called down a team of seventeen scientists to investigate the anomaly. They have surrounded the house with caution tape, forcing the Mayes residents to stay indoors until the investigation is complete.

EPA officials have yet to comment on the issue, leaving many with the impression that the federal environmental agency is speechless.

When asked the retail value of the cherries, Platt handed things over to the EPA yet again. Still speechless by the miracle, it is safe to say that the EPA has not concluded the value of the cherries, but their estimation was 8,473 dollars.

After the sighting, things have been more than hectic, according to the Mayes family. ABC News vans as well as other local news vans have surrounded the house, located on the corner of Maple Ave. Even local farmers have stopped by to witness this miracle of nature.

The neighbors were petrified when they found all the news vans and the caution tape around the Mayes house. One resident, Gordan Tonishima, put his house on sale as a safety precaution.

“I stepped outta my house to get the newspaper, and I see these vans, lights and all this stuff around the Mayes house. I was petrified! I ran up to there and I see everybody else is there too. We start talking about all this until this one man says that cherries were in their backyard. I mean, cherries? In Cherry Hill? Who was he kidding? I’ve lived here for all my life and I’ve never heard of cherries growing here. I was  terrified. So, then I went out and bought the “FOR SALE” sign, and voila! I’m thinking of moving to Haddonfield. Nothing really happens there,” Tonishima  said.