Terrorist on magic carpet threatens East

Autreen Rahbari ('10)

In recent months, the students of Cherry Hill East have performed a series of mandatory, security-oriented drills to protect themselves in the event of a terrorist attack. Such drills have been deemed unnecessary by the majority of the East population; however, recent investigations have proven known terrorist ringleader, Mohammad Al Sharrpton, has flown over to New Jersey on a magic carpet to possibly attack schools in Cherry Hill.”We don’t know where he is or what he is planning,” said Sergeant John Styroman, an officer at the Cherry Hill Police Department, running his fingers through the decorated rug, “but this is a really cool rug, what do you think this is made of?.

The school responded to the notorious leader’s arrival by ordering teachers to stop all lesson plans and huddle all of the students together into large masses and “herd” them into the dirtiest corners of every classroom.

During this mildly chaotic and uncomfortable procedure, the janitors were ordered to surround the school and, with mops and several types of bleach in hand, stand ready to combat any form of emerging terrorist aggression, while the school administrators watched from under their desks.

Although his whereabouts are currently unknown, an Eastside reporter, who wishes to remain anonymous, managed to get an interview with Al Sharrpton after throwing a fishing-net on him while he was ordering coffee at a local Dunkin’ Donuts. It was here that the terrorist leader revealed his reason for plotting to attack the high school.

“East and all of the students who attend it disgust me! They play horrible football, I have never seen so many fumbles in my life! Are they wearing teflon gloves? These students are ruining a perfectly good sport and where is the justice?”

Although Al Sharrpton refused to divulge any more relevant information concerning his plot, he did let slip that he has a slight case of nostalgia.

“I miss my wives” said the tearful terrorist, “they used to cheer me up before I went on school-related terrorist missions. But I can’t go back now because the U.S. government took my visa away when they found the toothpaste I was going to use to hijack my way back.”

“Of course I ran away! I’m not going back to Guantanamo!”

Mohammad also commented on American society, saying “the only things that are righteous in America are coffee and the internet. I just started an Invade Canada group on Facebook and, surprisingly, most of the members are American. I suppose there is common ground after all! “

The terrorist leader’s fearful presence in Cherry Hill has struck a cord with everyone but the students of high school East.

“Yeah, so he’s a terrorist, but so is everyone nowadays. Isn’t the new president supposed to be a terrorist?” said Paul Jacobs (10′). “I saw a picture of this dude on Google and I gotta say, I’m not impressed. It’s like anyone can become a militant extremist these days, where is the line for God’s sake?”