Spongy, Square, and Alive?

Andrew Huff ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor

Nearly ten years ago, a mystical creature burst the bubble of reality as the human race had known it, and cackled his way to the top of pop culture. Said to live within the confines of a tropical fruit fathoms below sea level, this porous creature has squeezed laughter out of stoic children with the help of his aquatic friends ever since.

Only recently, however, was it discovered, in a shocking expose, that Spongebob Squarepants lives and breathes beneath the Caribbean Ocean.

Robert Pare, a catfish wrangler who has been fishing in the Caribbean on his vessel, “The Whisker,” for twenty-four years, was the man who first successfully located Spongebob.

“There it was!” he shouted to reporters, “A pineapple, on the ocean floor! Then there was a burger-joint, and a biome of all things!”

Pare had been scuba diving with his wife, Margaret, to look for a mythical catfish lair along the ocean floor. The two are enthusiasts of marine folklore, but never thought Spongebob existed. Upon discovering the pineapple and other locales, though, they notified authorities.

United Nations officials quickly sent a group of marine biologists down to observe and investigate the find in international waters.

Lead researcher Dolores Jenkins, who has devoted her life’s-work to proving the existence of two-dimensional animated cartoons, said, “While we cannot give too many details out to the public, we can say that we have come across various habitats clustered together in the form of a community shaped like a bikini.”

Jenkins continued to say that “there were life forms detected,” but would not elaborate on that statement, nor would she confirm if the “community” was a bikini top or bottom.

Immediately after news broke of the underwater situation, hoards of fans of the animated television series on Nickelodeon arrived in the Caribbean, all eyeing for a chance to glimpse a piece of Spongebob, his square pants or any of his aquatic neighbors.

Although it has neither been confirmed nor denied by authorities and the UN, some enthusiast believe that Spongebob and his friends wish to travel to the mainland on a diplomatic excursion above sea level.

After entertaining the masses for ten years underwater, the comedic troupe could use a breath of fresh air.