“Slush Age” imminent

Andrew Huff ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor

Slurping up a slushy will never be the same.

Finnish and New Guinean scientists in the North Pole studying the properties of glaciers and arctic water have made a startling discovery in relation to the multi-faceted substance. Project “Let’s Investigate Properties of Glaciers on Land or Somewhere at Sea,” LIPGLOSS for short, was launched in the 1930s by President Roosevelt in an attempt to find new sources of energy.

Roosevelt had a massive igloo built at an undisclosed location in the North Pole, rumored to be thirty miles west of Santa’s factory. Since the project’s founding, the foremost chemists and biologists have been experimenting with ice crystals from glaciers and from frozen samples of ocean water. Just this past week, though, was their astounding discovery made public.

Carol Ewok, a lead researcher on project LIPGLOSS, whose father Joseph also worked on the project, said at a briefing of the discovery, “We have found that a major environmental change is coming. Global warming is just a baby’s pacifier compared to this diesel-engine truck of a shift in the ecosystem.”

At this point in her dissertation, Ewok got emotional, collapsed, and was succeeded by Mark Straume, who has worked alongside Ewok for ten years.

He said, “We have learned that, not a heat wave, not an ice age, but a slush age is coming.” The New York Chimes, which has a reporter stationed at the LIPGLOSS hub, has published a major article about this discovery.

The article says, “The rate at which the glaciers are melting, coupled with the high frequency of wild berries grown around the globe, has produced peak conditions for this event. A so-called “slush age” is imminent. It’s only a matter of time until all the water on our gorgeous earth will turn into mixed-berry slushies.”

After word broke out about this impending event, hoards of nutritionists and dieticians reportedly flocked to a mountain-side cave in the Rocky Mountains after screaming “we warned you, we warned you all about your poor diets!” from rooftops in several major cities including Chicago and Los Angeles.

President Obambi said in an address to the American public yesterday, “While this global environmental shift has instilled fear in our hearts and minds, we cannot lose hope. We have scientists working now on a giant hope generator that we will use to melt the slushies with a gamma ray filled with compressed particles of hope and cheer. In case that does not work, we have begun remodeling to our country’s buildings to guard against the sweet, tangy flavors of these beverages.”

He closed by saying, “America, no matter how sweet of a tooth we may share, we will brush this event off our shores like we brush plaque away from our teeth.”

Rumors have circulated that the Central Intelligence Agency has assembled a team of dentists who will be dropped off in the North Pole to try and alter the environmental conditions currently fueling the formation of a slush age.

May the floss be with them.