Senior sues moon

Andrew Huff ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor, Andrew Huff ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor, and Andrew Huff ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor

 In an unprecedented legal maneuver, Cherry Hill resident Luna Smyth, age 94, has filed a civil suit against the moon. Smyth, who told reporters that her suit stems from “an unjust obscuring of the Perseid meteor shower that greatly dismantled my emotional stability,” has a well-known affinity for astronomy.

“I wanted to bathe in meteors; all I got was that ball of soap called the moon,” Smyth said in a statement.

Last year, Smyth attempted to remove several thousand tree branches outside her retirement community with a chainsaw, much to the outspoken chagrin of local environmentalists. At the time, Smyth said, “sacrifices must be made for the stars to be seen. I’ve been on Earth longer than the trees, so I win.” The dispute was settled when Camden County officials bartered with Smyth, exchanging a small patch of land by the Cooper River Park for her leaving any and all shrubbery alone.

Smyth now claims that the hype surrounding the meteor shower led her to believe that she “would witness a fantastical array of flaming space matter.”

In actuality, Smyth said, between sobs, that she “saw nothing except that pudgy puffball, the moon.”

Courtesy of www.space4schools.co.uk/ pages/lunar/moon.jpg
Courtesy of www.space4schools.co.uk/ pages/lunar/moon.jpg

 

 

Afterward, Smyth was heard wailing, “I can’t believe I share a name with that selfish clump of glowing earth!”

Smyth denies claims that her diminishing sight may be responsible for her not seeing the meteor shower, instead blaming the light emanating from the moon. Her close friend and attorney, LuLu Lawson, claims that she observed Luna awaiting the meteor shower outdoors when she heard “this piercing cry sound and I found Luna outside shaking her walker very adamantly and aggressively at the sky.”

She continued, saying, “Luna always trusted in the moon and it betrayed her; it’s about time someone let the moon know that it is not the ball of sunshine it claims to be.”

The suit, which asks for 27 million dollars in damages be awarded to Smyth, is currently being reviewed by the municipal court.

One official on the court, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters, “This is absolutely ludicrous; I am utterly dismayed at what Ms. Smyth has brought before us. It is a travesty that the moon blurred this woman’s view of the Perseid meteor shower. Justice must reign supreme over the earth, and now, it seems, the sky.”

Robert Bush, founder of Cherry Hill’s “Seniors in Love with All things Perseid” (SLAP, for short) said, “I am just so angry right now. The moon thinks ‘Oh I’m in outer space and y’all down there can’t defy me’ but we have a petition to evict the moon from Earth’s orbit.”

Smyth has said she will make an effort to see the meteor shower tonight, although she has said she plans “to keep spitting at the moon, even though the spit comes right back in [her] face most times.”

Nonetheless, the Cherry Hill community as a whole is trying to come to terms with the shocking actions taken by the now infamous pale celestial body. Many details in the lawsuit remain slightly nebulous and unclear.

As Bush said, “This whole extravaganza has us all in a tizzy: we’re all seeing stars.”