I am in what you call the senescent stage of life. Yeah, you heard me – I’m old. But that’s okay. In fact, it’s swell. Because I’m many, many, many, many, many years older than you, a pretty good thing happens to me: the government pays me for still kickin’ it.My Social Security checks are like birthday presents once a month. You know, one day I’ll be feeling as blue as my hair and then I’ll go get my mail and voila! There’s my money. “Go have some fun with the gals!” suggests these newfound funds. Let me tell you, I am cool. I get my senior citizen discount wherever I go. If my AARP card had a color, it’d be gold, because I life my life better than Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia from the Golden Girls.

All my middle-aged kids do is complain about the recession and how costly everything is. Not me! I’ll go to the movies or out shopping. After all, one can never have enough two-piece color coded jumpsuits to walk around the mall in. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: If I can barely even see the colors anymore, why bother buying newer, flashier ones. Well, obviously, it’s because Mr. Fluffy, my kitty cat, likes them. And because I get them ten percent off with a little show of my card. Yeah, I know: you’re jealous.

So what if my arthritis always acts up? If I keep my TV on channel six, I get the news, Wheel of Fortune AND Jeopardy. There really is no need to ever change the channel, which greatly reduces the stress on my joints. All I have to do is press the little “on” button and sit down in my orthopedic chair and watch that cutie pie Alex Trebeck ask questions. I like that fella so much I turn up my hearing air just to hear him louder.

I may have liver spots and an artificial life, but I am unique…because I am antique.