Pokémon invade Cherry Hill East

Zach Schwartz ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor

During the summer months, less maintenance is required to keep East up and running. Among other things, the school’s lawn is allowed to grow freely. A month’s worth of such neglect has led to a waist-high grass sprouting up around the school. And with tall grass come wild Pokémon. Much to the dismay of the Administration, Cherry Hill East has become a popular haunt for the much-desired critters.

“It started out small; Ratatta in the halls, Zubat in the gym, nothing we couldn’t handle”, Principal John O’Schmeza told Eastside. “But eventually they started breeding, evolving, and bigger Pokémon started moving in. I needed six cans of Max Repel to cross the parking lot without battling a herd of Tauros, and I couldn’t get to my office because of a Snorlax. Also, I’m pretty sure at least one of my office plants is a Sudowoodo.”

Several landscaping companies have been called in to cut back the tall grass in the hopes of driving the marauding pocket monsters off school grounds. However, a particularly aggressive swarm of Beedril has ensured that these efforts remain fruitless. “Our uniforms are thick enough to protect against bee stings,” said John Wright, Head of Viridian Landscaping. “But when the stingers are the size of a traffic cone, they don’t really help all that much”. John then succumbed to wounds from their “Poison Sting” attack. He is currently in intensive care at a local Pokémon Center.

“The Pokémon themselves are the least of our problems” said O’Schmeza. “We’ve got a bunch of ten year olds running through the halls, participating in glorified cockfights. I don’t care if they want to ‘be the very best’; they aren’t starting their ‘journey’ in my school”.

The Cherry Hill police department has also become entangled in this conflict, as the criminal fraternity “Team Rocket” has set its sights on Cherry Hill East as a lucrative source of wild Pokémon to be sold on the black market. Rocket Boss Giovanni could not be reached for comment, though a grunt- urged East students to “Prepare for trouble.” Cherry Hill police captain Officer Jenny assured students and teachers that these threats were not to be taken seriously. “We’ve seen Rocket activity on an increase across the country over the last few months. My fellow officers in other towns—all named Jenny—have been keeping tabs on the organization. They’re a joke. Their most active team consists of a twenty year old girl, an effeminate man in his twenties and a talking cat. They spend most of their time trying to catch a single, unextraordinary Pikachu from a 10 year old boy. Just leave them alone and they’ll blow their budget on a giant robot or something”

Because of the failure of traditional methods to remove Pokémon from the school grounds, O’Schmeza has decided to leave on his own Pokémon journey. He plans to return after collecting all 8 Pokémon league gym badges and challenging the elite 4. More on his journey as it develops.