Lone reporter visits President Barrack Obama

Zachary Schwartz ('10)/Eastside Staff

As president Barrack Obama promised during his campaign, he has already begun doing away with the policies of the Bush administration.

New developments have revealed that Obama’s plans for this country go far beyond a simple change in administrative policy. As it turns out, Conservative media was right all along. Obama has revealed himself to be both completely insane and an evil incarnate.

While Fox news was using their crystal balls and keen instincts to accurately predict our demise, we laughed and called them “biased.” We have nobody to blame but ourselves.As he made his commute to work, dark clouds reportedly gathered over the ruins of the White House.

The White House was demolished upon Obama’s election to make room for an Onyx tower, stretching infinitely skyward. This tower–which has been named “The Doomspire”–will be the base of operations for the Obama administration. From the oval office atop this tower, Obama will watch over our country, reducing any in opposition of his policies to soot with the Lightning Cannon on the roof. Circling this tower, which is roughly forty times the height of the Washington Monument, are 6 Demonic, ancient birds known as “Deepcrows.” Several protests have been broken up by these birds, whom witnesses decribe as “unspeakable, lovecraftian horrors.”

A lone reporter was allowed to interview Obama in his keep at the pinnacle of the doomspire. After a climb up a seemingly endless flight of stairs, the reporter arrived in the keep 14 days after he started climbing.

Obama, seated on a throne of human skulls, swallowed a single live rat, unhinging his jaw like a python; then, he turned to face the young reporter.

“I’ve been expecting you.”

“Sir, you…you invited me.”

“Ah, yes”, replied obama, distracted by his newly developed horns. “Deliver my will unto the world. First: Taxes will be raised by two hundred percent, so that I may build a machine to finally blot out the sun, my acursed rival, thus thrusting the world into eternal night. In addition, I’m pulling all of our troops out of Iraq. But, just for a change of pace, I’m sending them to a random country for the remainder of my term.” Obama then stepped aside, revealing a large wheel-of-fortune style roulette wheel. A quick spin determined the winner. “Enjoy your term of service in…Canada! Tough break, guys.”

Other developments and policies are listed below.

-Once a week, a lone representative from each state must present Obama with an offering. Preferably gold.
-The burning of all books which detail how to destroy a vampire will become mandatory.
-Airline peanuts will be shipped in easy-open bags, “to spite Jerry Seinfeld.”
-All political humorists are to be thrown into Kileauea, an active Hawaiian volcano.
-It is now illegal to be an old person because old people “smell funny.”
-All americans must join in the construction of the “HopeSphere”, an impossibly large monument to Obama, to be completed 2025.
-Obama is thirsty, and needs someone to bring him a drink. “A sprite, maybe? I dunno, I’m not picky.”

Obama, upon finishing his demands, dismissed the reporter. Upon leaving, the reporter reportedly saw Obama “transform into a swarm of bats and fly away”. While our future certainly looks bleak, I, for one support our new, vaguely apocalyptic overlord.