How to win a Brit

Iftikhaar Ali ('13)/ Eastside Business Manager

Every person in the world has aspirations, whether that person is to win a Nobel prize or whether that person is to have killer swag. No matter what our aspirations are, however, they all involve one thing: the British. Yes, the British, our European brothers who we defeated in the revolution. But although we won the revolution, the British still one-up us each day with their tantalizing cool accents. A British person can make the most mundane story fascinating and make the most boorish comments sound intelligent. We all know that any sane person desires to command the overwhelming powers of the British accent for his or her own use. But as long as you spend your life speaking in a lame fake accent, the goal of obtaining that perfect British accent will remain a distant dream.

But worry not my friends, because just by reading this article, you are on your way to attaining the second best thing after a British accent: a British friend. With a British friend, one can experience the melodious symphonies that constitute the British accent whenever one wants. However, in order to reach that level of intimacy with a true Brit, one must learn certain key things about the British, all of which are conveniently listed below:

1. In America, calling something dope usually has a positive connotation that will make the receiver of the word happy. However, using the word “dope” in relation to a British person will only bring trouble. In England, the closest word to dope is dopey, or stupid, and everyone knows people with British accents possess superior intellects .

2. If a British person calls one fit, he or she is not only commenting on one’s physical health. In England the word “fit” means attractive or good looking, similar to calling someone hot in America.

3. A British person in college is not necessarily in College. This paradox is true because of England’s school system. While Americans go through Pre-school, Elementary school, Middle School and High School, English students go through a different system starting with Nursery school, followed by Primary school until sixth grade, followed by Secondary school until eleventh grade. After that comes College, which is free for people coming in from Secondary school and differs based on what a student wants to be. Any further schooling is known as University.

4. Everything’s smaller in England—cars, buildings, even food portions. To a British person, everything in America seems humongous in comparison.

5. English cars have the steering wheel on the right side as opposed to the left. Also, in England, manual transmissions reign supreme, similar to the way many people drive automatic cars in America.

6. For some unknown reason, The British find our use of the word “trash can” hilarious. To keep yourself from drowning in a sea of beautiful, exhilarating British laughter, refer to trash cans as “bins” while around the Brits.

7. The British are too sophisticated to go to malls. Instead, they go to Shopping Centers which is the British term for mall.

8. One shouldn’t be flattered if a British person says “oh my days” to them. It is not an expression of endearment or affection. It is an expression of exasperation, and one should beg for forgiveness if they hear those words being uttered by British lips

9. BRITISH PEOPLE GENERALLY DO NOT USE THE WORD CHERRIO.

With these tips, one can come a step closer to attaining their own British friend, like Ahsan Ali (’95) Eastside’s own British friend who said “this article is sick bruv.”