How to survive Valentine’s Day

Zach Schwartz ('10)/Eastside Staff

So, it’s Valentine’s Day. In fact, by the time you read this, it may be over already! For those of you with significant others to celebrate with, I sincerely hope you eventually recover from the massive damage sustained by your wallet. For the rest of us, without an excuse to beckon forth temporary bankruptcy, we’re left with a day where half of the people you know are busy, and everyone else being far too depressed or lazy to leave the house!  What can a single person do to pass the time? I suppose this advice won’t be much help at this point…but there’s always next year! The alternative is to find a date, but hey–let’s take this in baby steps.

-Construct a fort from pillows and cushions.

It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air. Consequently, the outside world has become a very scary place. It’s okay to be frightened. You might find your parents are acting strange. Perhaps they are actually having pleasant conversation! “This is odd,” you might think. You’ll want to keep whatever is causing this pleasant atmosphere away from you. Build yourself a fort. Use whatever you can find around the house. When finished, hang a “no girls allowed” sign overhead and hold your ground. The most important part is keeping them out.

Complain, complain, complain some more while insisting that Valentine’s Day is “stupid.”

Perhaps you’re actually bitter about not having a “special someone.” Well, whatever you do, don’t try to make the best of your situation and hang out with other single people. That would require effort on your part. Instead, be sure to point out how Valentine’s Day is a “hallmark holiday” and that celebrating it is supporting “commercialism,” as I did in the opening paragraph. This will cause anyone who was once willing to hang out with you to make a vow of never speaking to you again. Everybody wins! Note: this also applies to other holidays. See how your friends react when you tell them the “truth” about christmas!

-Insist that you only observe “Single’s Awareness Day.”

For those of you who are still unsatisfied with being single, yet not bitter enough to lash out at those who aren’t, this course of action is best suited to your needs. Somebody wishes you a happy Valentine’s day? “Haha, I only celebrate ‘Single’s Awareness Day!'” For bonus points, have a “Single’s Awareness Day” party, in which you and your single friends all gaze longingly into space.

You legitimately don’t care about Valentine’s Day.People like this are just a myth, obviously. Anyone who claims not to care about dating is either lying or an android/cyborg/amoeba. All high school students are complete slaves to hormones, and those who claim they aren’t are secretly longing for your company.

 

Well, it seems I’m fresh out of advice. Not to worry, because with these tips, you will easily survive Valentine’s Day without suffering so much as a brief longing for a member of the opposite sex.  Stay tuned for tips on “how to enjoy a 6-day-long spring break” and “how to avoid an awkward trip to prom.”