Gary Neckbeard, World of Warcraft enthusiast, steps outside; dies instantly

Zachary Schwartz ('10)/Eastside Staff

A terrible tragedy struck Cherry Hill township today as Gary Neckbeard,47, was killed in a freak accident. Neckbeard was an avid World of Warcraft enthusiast, one who–according to his account data–never really stopped playing. After reaching the highest possible level and completing every quest, Neckbeard stepped outside to find entertainment elsewhere, presumably by slaying X amount of squirrels. Upon stepping outside, however, Neckbeard spontaneously combusted. The autopsy revealed he died instantly, though not without a split second of intense pain which, according to paramedics, “felt as eons to him”.

Forensics experts are currently looking into the exact cause of death, though they feel as if they are very close.

“Apparently, he has been indoors for so long that, much like grubs and some cave-dwelling creatures, his skin became completely translucent,” said Head forensic scientist David Davidson. “Apparently, the sun was so foreign to his skin that the light caused him to catch fire, like an ant under a magnifying glass”.

When asked if she was planning to sue Blizzard, the company who owns WoW, Neckbeard’s mother said that her son was “an idiot” and that he was “just taking up space that could be used for other things, like a jacusi.”

Funeral arrangements are still in progress for Neckbeard. Most of his ashes blew away after he was immolated, so authorities are trying to collect those before the service. Paramedics said “it could be a while.”