East student learns chemistry from word search

Emily Hsu ('12)/ For Eastside

Recently, East administrators have noticed a slight increase in students’ testing averages in subjects related to science.  Upon looking for the source of this increase, they found that one student in particular, Waldo Wallington (’13), has made remarkable improvement.  Investigations report that his QPS grade has climbed from 0.00001% to an astounding 99.49999%.

When asked for the key to his success, Wallington attributed all credit to his QPS teacher’s unconventional teaching methods.  Said Wallington’s QPS teacher proudly, “I decided to give the students a word search, because what could possibly be more beneficial to students’ learning?  After all, it is an extremely educational handout containing scientific information.   It provides students with a much firmer grasp of the concept, and at the same time it makes the process a little less painful.”

Wallington initially approached the word search with some hesitation, but quickly warmed to the task.  “My peers completely ignored the word search and began a lengthy discussion on their favorite UGG collections, but being the diligent student that I am, I immediately set to work on the assignment.  I found the word “sublimation”, and I was so shocked I nearly evaporated into the air.  I mean, now I finally know what “sublimation” is!  Isn’t that just sublime?”

Wallington has had several additional epiphanies as a result of completing the word search, which gave him a deeper understanding of all scientific topics, even those unrelated to the terms located word search.  Said Wallington enthusiastically, “I used to think that that QPS was some exotic word that entered the English language some time after airplanes were invented, but now I realize that it’s an acronym for Quarantining Potential Scientists.  Imagine that!  The letters Q, P, and S actually stand for something!”

Wallington has been so transformed by his experience that he is considering creating a group dedicated to the cause of promoting the use of word searches in class, which he plans to dub A.W.E.S.O.M.E.N.E.S.S. (All Who Earnestly Seek Omniscience May Experience New Enlightenment by Searching Studiously).

Perhaps all East students would benefit from having a mandatory class consisting solely of lessons on how to complete world searches.  Indeed, recent studies have shown that staring at scientific terms located in rows of random letters stimulates the frontal lobe of the brain, leading directly to a significant increase in scientific knowledge.  Extensive research is currently being conducted to determine if the miraculous effect of word searches applies to other academic subjects as well.  In one promising study, subjects stare at word searches for sixteen hours straight, pausing only intermittently to eat alphabet SpaghettiOs.  The results seem to indicate improved test-taking abilities as well as boosted attention spans and increased common sense.  However, side effects include muttering random letters and drooling while sleeping.