Democrats retaliate with coffee party

Juliet Brooks ('13)/Eastside News/Features Editor

The Democratic Party announced today that they are no longer waiting for an invitation to the Republican Tea Party. 
“I’m really hurt,” President Barack Obama said in an official statement this morning. “I’ve been waiting two years for an invitation. At first, I really wanted a nice letter, with a wax seal and calligraphy. But at this point I would have even taken an e-vite!”
Vice President Biden called the exclusion “really, really hurtful.” Biden added, “It’s kind of like that time in eighth grade when my best friend had a birthday party but didn’t invite me.” 
Biden said, “I know that the Democrats and Republicans fight kind of like teenage girls, but don’t teenage girls invite people they hate to their parties?”
Former presidential candidate John Kerry said that, although he does not know if he will ever get over the obvious slight, he is making plans to host his own party. Kerry wants to exclude the Republicans. “They have to know how it feels,” Kerry said.
“I’m going to have a Coffee Party, and [the Republicans] are not invited,” Kerry said. “Take that, [Michelle] Bachmann (R-Minn).”
Kerry will not disclose the time or exact location of the party, because he does not want any Republicans to show up. He did say, however, that it will take place in a Starbucks on the east coast. 
Co-party planner, Representative Mike Doyle (D-PA), said, “We’ll send out nice handwritten invitations, of course. The invitations will have the date, time, and location. But it’s all very secret.”
Obama said that he is very excited about the Coffee Party. “Obviously, the Republicans need to brush up on history. I mean, really. Tea was a sign of British oppression. Coffee is the true American drink.”
The Democrats do not think that they will include any Independents in the invitation.