“Dancing with the Czars” in the works

Rob Incollingo ('10)/ Eastside Humor Editor

dancing.JPGThe ABC network has recently unveiled plans for a new show, “Dancing with the Czars,” to be aired in October. The show is to be a spin-off of the network’s earlier success, “Dancing with the Stars.”

“With the popularity of ‘Dancing with the Stars,'” said ABC spokesman Alex Roman in a press conference on Tuesday, “it was only a matter of time before we had to make another show. I mean, who doesn’t just love watching people spin around for an hour and a half? We just combined the excitement of ballroom dancing with the raw executive power of the Russian czars, and bang! ‘Dancing with the Czars’ was born!”

The Soviet rock band Gorky Park is suing ABC for copyright infringement as a result of Roman’s use of the word “bang,” claiming that it is identical to the title of their hit song, “Bang.”

ABC has confirmed that the show is going to pair professional ballroom dancers with famous Russian czars in a dancing competition, much like the original series. A panel of three judges and one crazed peasant will award points based on style, grace and facial hair. In a fashion also similar to “Dancing with the Stars,” viewers at home will be able to call in and vote for their favorite czar. However, ABC has made it clear that the show bears no legal responsibility for the towns and livestock of the viewers, in the event that the czars become angry.

Several of the professional dancers are concerned for their physical health, as well as the well-being of their crops and villages.

“What if I lose? What if I step on his toes? I could be executed! I could be sent to Siberia!” said one dancer, who asked to remain anonymous for safety reasons.

The dancers aren’t the only ones with concerns. Some of the czars are less than thrilled at the prospect of dancing with the so-called “common folk.”

“The only reason I’m putting up with these peasants is to get the support of my people. I wouldn’t want to be on the business end of a ‘Nicholas,’ if you know what I mean,” said Czar Alexander. He refused to elaborate on the definition of a “Nicholas.”

Tensions are running high in regards to personal performance among the Czars as well.

“I think this is going to be hard for me,” said Czar Ivan the Terrible. “I mean, look at me! They call me Ivan the Terrible! Do you know what kind of abuse I have to put up with backstage? How is someone named ‘Terrible’ expected to do in a dancing competition?”

Russian television station Channel One declined to comment.