Children get lost in corn maze

Scott Chernoff ('10)/ For Eastside

klsdjfkl

On October 13, Johnson’s Farm unveiled this year’s highly anticipated Corn Maze, advertised as being more challenging than ever. After paying a small admission fee of $77, each individual took, on average, one to two hours to find their way through the twisting maze, complete with 12-foot-high corn stalks on either side. Three seven-year-old boys, Roger Squirral, Peter Goggal and Louie Scrizzball, were admitted into the maze together around 2:00 PM, before disappearing for 72 hours.

When the maze closed at 6:00 p.m., Attendant Phillip Yorgast didn’t bother to check the list of maze-goers. He closed and locked the gate and went home to his wife. The three boys remained inside, unable to find the exit. 

The normal route through the maze is 1.2 miles long, forming a horseshoe-shaped route through the maze. Squirral, Goggal and Scrizzball made a wrong turn and ventured into the section of the maze known as the “No-Man’s Land.” The route gets narrower and the stalks become taller. The children panicked and sprinted crazily, wearing themselves out and going even deeper into the depths of the Johnson’s Farm Corn Maze. 

Later, Roger Squirral said, “It was almost like we were being pursued by some kind of monster. We knew we were going to die.” 

After finding a cozy corner, the three boys called it a night and fell asleep without a single clue as to where they were. 

Stewie Scrizzball, father of Louie Scrizzball, said, “I was worried about Louie, but I figured that he was just sleeping at a friend’s house.”

The parents of the other children reported the same thing. 

In the morning, Goggal and Squirral woke up with hunger pangs, a result of not having eaten for 12 hours. So they ate some KFC Popcorn Chicken found in the pockets of Louie Scrizzball’s jacket. Then they went back to sleep. 

After workers of Johnson’s Farm realized that there were still three boys in the maze, they called out the Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Air Force and Marines to do a full search of the corn maze. Unfortunately, they were unsuccessful. The armed search parties only found corn and three, sleeping, seven-year-olds, because the missing boys were reported as “lost,” but not “sleeping.” So, the rescuers moved on. 

“Children have this natural instinct to not realize what is around them,” reports Dr. Burton Haffpipe. “When they become lost, their first thought is to panic, and not to realize what can be around them. They could be right at the exit to the maze, yet not realize this due to the panic instinct.” 

What Dr. Burton Haffpipe said, did happen to Roger Squirral and Peter Goggal. They wandered within fifty yards of the exit, yet never did exit because they were panicking. 

“I didn’t even think Peter could have gotten stuck in a corn maze. He is very independent, so I figured he was at a party down the street, or on one of those overnight art museum tours. I didn’t think there was anything for me to worry about,” said Gregory Goggal after the rescue. 

Dr. Ronny Rozingol and Dr. Vincent Volgle conducted an experiment that Sunday afternoon by making a scale model of a maze on a lab table and then placing three gerbils in it. One gerbil found the exit, while the other two gerbils stayed lost. The results of this experiment did not help the search. 

On Sunday night, Johnson’s Farm called for assistance from several foreign places to assist in finding the children. Some of the attendees of this search included the Russian Army, the British Royal Navy, several Japanese Kamikaze pilots, the undead George Custer and his army, the undead Achilles and Ajax and Alexander the Great and his undead armies, as well. The children cowered in fear all night as bombs went off and arrows flew overhead, as the numerous military entities attempted to locate the boys by process of elimination. 

By eating corn stalks, the children were able to survive until morning, when they were finally rescued by Farmer Johnson himself. Goggal, Scrizzball and Squirral were found hiding in a foxhole, fifty yards from the exit, facing the wrong way. There was a celebration afterwards and the children were sent home. 

“It was definitely a scary experience but I learned a lot from it. I’ll never take anything for granted again. I’m also happy to come home to my family. Next year, I plan on doing the same thing,” said Peter Goggal a week later during his interview on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. 

A rejoicing Martha Squirral, mother to Roger Squirral said, “I was very scared for my child. He had never spent more than seven minutes away from me. I will not let him spend time alone again until next year.” 

This reporter thinks that there is a moral to be learned from this touching story: Don’t get lost in a corn maze.