Bi-weekly entertainment update

Andrew Huff ('10)/Eastside Staff

On Wednesday night, the winner of the eighth season of American Idol was endowed with a less-than-suspenseful pause, before being named the winner, and hoards of sparkling confetti. While the elaborate celebration seemed to be for the voted-for-by-America Kris Allen, the truth is not so.Janice Schnook, who spoke on behalf of Paula Abdul, one of American Idol’s four judges, there was a secret agenda to the finale show.

“Miss Abdul would like to say that the finale episode was not designed primarily to name a winner, but was really just to ‘send that [expletive] Kara out of here.’ ”

Schnook continued on to say that the show’s producers had gotten so fed up with Kara’s “nonsensical hand waving and emphatic-ness, which Miss Abdul has perfected,” that they voted to send her home.

Several accountants from the vote-tallying company for American Idol, “Votes R Us,” said that the phone numbers for the final two contestants “actually read ‘dial this number to send Kara DioGuardi out of the Kodak Theater” when sent to television sets across America.

This fact could explain the record-breaking number of votes cast on Tuesday night, the night on which the winner’s song, co-written by DioGuardi, was performed to a lack of enthusiasm. The night of the finale, the final two contestants, Kris Allen (eventual winner) and Adam Lambert (thought-to-be-winner) also sang duets with famous artists.

At one point, though, DioGuardi leaped on stage in a frantic frenzy to sing with the slightly-altered “bikini girl,” whom she had sung against during the scantily-clad contestant’s audition for the show.

“When Mr. Lambert saw Kara running up on stage,” Lambert’s secretary Maurice Stewart says, “he told me, ‘Oh dear, they must have told her about being let go, I mean, we all knew, everyone. Even Randy knew, and honestly he doesn’t know anything.’ ”

When asked about Lambert’s positive attitude towards “losing” the show, Stewart said that he “is just happy for Kris and they have a great friendship that was made stronger by seeing Kara’s wild Tarzan-ic antics on stage.”

Rumors have spread that during the shows many commercial breaks, several nurses were rushed onstage to supply Kara with tranquilizers from Abdul’s pocket book, which reportedly failed to calm her down.

“What I heard,” said Victoria Allen, who was in the front row during the show, “was that Kara started climbing up the screen behind the stage, growling and gritting her teeth, at least until Adam got her down by singing an incredibly high high-note.”

Allen described the whole scene as “very unlike Arkansas,” her home state. No telling yet whether DioGuardi will return next season as a judge on the show, although there are rumors that she will leave her job as judge and will instead write every single song performed by the contestants for the new season.