America’s favorite talk show cancelled

Adam Ritz ('10)

By November, America will say goodbye to one of its favorite talk show hosts. No, not Oprah. No, not Steve Colbert. No, not Ellen Degeneres. Neither is it Jay Leno or Conan O’Brian. The man I speak of is Jerry Springer, a talk show host who has had a special, slightly disgusting and unused place in America’s heart. On March 7th, Jerry Springer officially ran out of crazy people to interview.

“It’s a shame, really,” said talk show producer Dan Bana, “Talking to nitwits was how he made ends meet, I feel sorry for the guy…”

The last crazy person he interviewed was Mary Pat-Ann Loo, a woman who married her father. Later in the episode, her siblings came on and revealed that the man that both Mary and her mother married was actually a basketball with a toupee. This discovery caused a heated argument between Mary Loo and her father. Like most episodes of Jerry Springer, this argument resulted in an all out brawl when her father refused to answer why he never told her. Unfortunately, this resulted in a fight that ended with her father exploding, leaving shards of basketball rubber all over the members of the audience.

“At least the show ended with a bang. Literally!” said Andrew Seacrest, one of the Spalding paramedics that had to be called to the stage to collect the pieces of Mary’s father.

After that episode, the show’s ratings plummeted when Springer interviewed Chad, an accountant who was happily married with two sons.

“We don’t come here to see some necktie wearing do-gooder, Chad, and his happy family,” commented frequent audience member Jeremiah Chubbs, “We come to see people get messed up and fight for dumb reasons! What kind of cruel world is it when you can’t even get something as small as that anymore?”

Unfortunately, after Springer lost his ratings, he lost his job. One week later, he lost his home.