Alpacas Replace School Buses

Adam Ritz ('10)

This year, our school has been doing all it can to reduce its environmental footprint, from implementing new eco friendly toilet paper dispensers to cutting down the amount of eco-savage appliances in the school. But now East has taken a drastic step towards the former. As of last week, the school’s buses have been swapped for mules, camels, alpacas, and stallions.

Mules will be used solely for freshman transportation, mainly because of the notoriously heavy loads carried by freshman. Sophomores will receive alpacas, after the DAM (Department for Animal Mounting) decided the students in this particular grade level were not prepared for the full responsibility that a camel requires. After a year of riding alpacas, they will be allowed to ride camels to school. Seniors, long believed to be better than everyone else, get glorious stallions to ride to school.

The animals, donated by the Equus Animal Shelter, will be held in a stable that is currently being built behind the East football field. “While dat idea don’t seem logical to me,” says Hef Erwin, the President of the EAS, “Ahm willin to do anything now-a-days to make the world more eco friendly, dese people just don’t seem to give a darned hoot about the environment no more. Thank god for wonderful programs like dese.”

Students are very excited about the new program. “I think zis is awesome idea!” commented foreign exchange student Vlad Poodofsky (’12), “Just like great leader of America vonce said, ‘One day, man and fish will coexist in harmony.’”

“I think this is a huge step towards helping the environment. That, and chicks dig the stallion. It’s got my approval,” says senior student, Tim “Rad” Za (’10).

What of the bus companies? The head of the bus company Shoop-Da-Route, Ms. Stacey Stanley, did not seem too happy about the program.

“Those animals are putting my drivers out of a job. I’m all for eco-friendliness, but how are all these people going to feed their wife and kids? I would sue, but what would I say? Animals stole my job?!”

Currently, more supposedly eco-friendly changes are being planned for implementation next year. Be on the lookout in next month’s issue for our special: Fifty Nifty Tricks for Safe Animal Mounting.